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20121130
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 79 (some duplicates have been removed)
, everybody. [applause]. >> ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. >> thank you for joining us. i'm in the tv biz where it's all about the demographics. the demo we call it. i work hard to appeal to the millenials, for example, by calling them millenials. young people love to be target marketed by their birthdate and marketing power. >> you know "gangnam style." no idea what that means but they eat it up. that's right. that's why i stay up on all of the hottest millennial trends. right now there is nothing that 18 to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for people like you. fun, busy. youngish. i think this marketing campaign is greatish. these hey these c
and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, where it's all about the demo graphics -- the demo, we call it. so i work hard to appeal to the millennials. for example, by calling them millennials. ( laughter ) young people love being target marketed by their births date and purchasing power, you know, gangnam style. ( cheers and applause ) no idea what that means, but they eat it up! that's why-- that's why i stay up on all the hottest millennial trends. and right now, there is nothing 18- to 34-year-old upper middle-income kids love more than soup, playah! you need proof? well, let me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing-- the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. and this generation will go down in history for demanding different soup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) according-- according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of sumes designed for pe
">÷>cvbv:púpcq that's our show. join us tomorrow night live election coverage at 11:00 here and my final message before that would be, please vote. i know there are people here in the tri-state region that are struggling with the basic necessities. they're going to work their asses off to try and get to the polls. you should too. here it is your moment of zen >> don't boo. vote. ( cheers and applause ) vote. voting is the best revenge >> revenge is a dish best servedded cold, they say. i think he's going to have a captioning sp (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, steph captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. neil young will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> well, i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't stick a straw in a twinge key an captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! change so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >
>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indi
stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and eye watch. let me show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> stephen: so if you live in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> st
. it's a remarkable lesson for all of us. that is all for our show tonight. join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. i might even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert on: we'll see you next time. >> i lo
. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate modera
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! thank you for joining us! choo, choo, choo! hello! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you are the greatest! thank you very much. i got to tell you, when i get that kind of 4r06 from you folks i just want to go up into the stands and cradle you in my arms like a baby. (cheers and applause) folks you know me, you know my broadcasting ca roar has been dedicated to celebrating american exceptionalism. that special je ne sai quoi that americans have that keep us from knowing things like what je ne sais quoi means, i don't know. but for some time now americans have been in decline. and i have been searching for the exact moment when we went from being the u.s. of a to the u.s. of eh. well, folks, i think i found it, fasten your seat belts. and incidentally, if are you wearing seat belts to watch tv, you're part of the problem. >> it sounds preposterous but the united states has to factor into the cold ware to p
will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long n
) >> stephen: good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for your support. you know i mean that. welcome to the "report." i've got to thank you people for standing with me and standing by me and standing behind me because for seven years running the "report" has been the number one cable news show on this network at 11:30. (cheers and applause) it's official. i just found that out. folks, you don't get to the top without making a few enemies. so once again it's time for "who's attacking me now?" (laughter) tonight i am once again in the cross hairs of the canadian press. (boos) it seems that the maple stream media have their mittens in a bunch over something i said in my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) this thing makes a great christmas gift for wherever canadian pris mass is. here it's december 25, the i know everything is metric up there so i'm going to say the 57.2 eighth of kilovember. according to the canadian broadcasting corporation, fox in ca
. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message.
. >> jon: yes, of course, noncoordinated, completely. >> stephen: well now they're going to kill one of us, jon. >> jon: they want a head on a platter! >> stephen: wait. a head on a platter? (laughter) then let's give them-- . >> jon: the ham. >> stephen: yes. ham rove. (cheers and applause) the trusted and salted advisor. >> jon: what are you waiting for, kill him! >> stephen: why don't you do it? >> jon: i can't do it, it's not kosher. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: fine, fine. i'm sorry, ham rove. one of us is dead meat and you already are. gah, gah, gah! gah, gah! gah! >> jon: i was never here! (cheers and applause) oh, these hands, oh these hands are coming covered in ham juice. oh my god, oh my god i need a lawyer. please welcome former fcc chairman general counsel for the mccain 2008 campaign and my personal lawyer trevor potter, trevor, thank you so much for coming. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: trevor, trevor, trevor. first of all, first of all, trevor, i just killed my chief strategist. can you get me off? >> as far as i know it's not illegal to stab a ham. (laughter) >> s
>> jon: all right. spoiler alert. that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen >> the president was elected on the basis that he was not romney and romney was a poofy-head >> i'm not sure that's captioning sponsored by comedy c captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. i could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >
.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00 when we all will have power an electricity and water and food. here it, your moment of zen. >> they keep playing something in my ear, some kind of weird bubbling sound. i don't know what that is supposed to indicate. >> i think from a bong, right, but i only know that from chief and chong. >> stephen: tonight, what is art, a three letter word for disappointing your parents. then scientists released a study on friendship. and squirt shampoo in arabity's eye, it is what they do. and my guest is msnbc host rachel maddout. if she's here then who is getting ratings on msnbc. a nine-year-old boy spent his parent's life savings on candy. he shouldn't have paid full price for that $100,000 bar. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) thank you ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know,
thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >> one man's heart is two sizes too small this holiday season. he was arrested in canada for lying and telling kids that santa claus doesn't exist. 24-year-old man walked the parade route in ontario saying "santa's not for real." >> stephen: nation, this story sickens me. this canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. (laughter) they've got a lot of beavers up there. it's actually something of a problem. (laughter) but what can i say? there's no point denying it anymore: there is no santa claus (audience reacts)
that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe out your life's savings. but at what cost? ( laughter ) a lower one. ( laughter ) and now you have to wait for hours in line for medical scare instead of immediately not getting any. oh and you think you own your house, mister. think again. everything belongs to the village now. when you get home tonight, it will be c
that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back. "k"kxf,x >> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the
and subsequently canceled them made up 4% of all quote traffic in the u.s. stock market. that's right. one algorithm is 4% of all trades. the other 96% were people dumping facebook stock. (laughter) and the source of that mysterious algorithm is unknown but experts suspect it was designed to gum up the system so it slows down others and allows the computer traders to gain a money-making opportunity. in other words, not only was he fast, he made everyone else slower. like if instead of just doping lance armstrong also made everyone else eat a turkey dinner. (laughter) now some say -- (applause) some say all this -- (cheers and applause) they still love you, lance. now, some say all this computer trading is dangerous but i say it's actually safer because if the stock market ever crashes again, instead of brokers jumping out of windows in a panic they'll simply turn on their computer and see the soothing message "error 404, economy not found." (cheers and applause) because, really, what's the worst that can happen? here to tell us the worst that could happen is the author of "automate this: h
christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the gar achblingt he should feel right at home surrounded by all of his tools i have borrowed. (laughter) i told him-- (applause) i told him if he gets cold just start the car. (laughter) but folks, that is nothing compared to the ordeal i went through this morning. you see, mayor bloomberg's letting only cars with three or more passengers cross the bridges and tunnels into manhattan. an of course normally it's just me and my driver hector. so this morning i had to-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sorry this is hard to get out. this morning, instead of going in hec
. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, here in the tristate area we are still dealing with the aftermath of hurricane sandy. things got so bad that people if brooklyn were forced to live like they were in the 19th century instead of just dressing like it. but just, just when we thought that the worse was over we got hit again. >> a new nor'easter is slamming new york and new jersey. a brutal nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> nor'easter. >> yes, a nor'easter. (laughter) a stoorm so powerful it can wipe out a region's supply of ts and hs. (laughter) and folks, i'm afraid that this new storm could hurt romney's momentum. (laughter) i mean-- wheers plaus it could slow him down. i mean he already lost the election that can't help. but of course florida is still being counted. so folks i got to till, i am still hanging in there and i'm checking for updates on the campaign's i'm with mitt app. okay. it still works. and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for mitt romney. i tweeted this one today. (laughter) i'm with mitt. then later i tweeted i'm s
"stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the
is the man! - yeah, us demamps are pretty raw dog as a people. - didn't like the guy at first, but he came through. and here we ar-- - w-t [bleep]? - alice, i demamp to know what you did with that bonus handicap parking space. hmm? - why do you care? - come on, we are advocates for the handi-captains, and that's the one thing you should know about us. - you should know that about us. - look, you came in here the other day, said we didn't need it. i thought about it, and you were right. - no. alice. - no. - what? - we were right? - let's look at history. we're never right. - does this guy-- do i look right? does this look right? - look, please just go back to the phones, okay? i am not in the mood for this today. apparently, some homeless people broke into the old offices and destroyed everything. - homeless people. can't trust 'em. know what i mean? they're a foul, foul breed! thanks for, uh-- - ecch! gross! - nice! >> i cannot believe that. super bikes are usually so safe. welcome to the tosh.0. stop asking me to join your linked in network. it's not going to happen. >> tonight on the sho
" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org is snupt tonight, do government officials make good role models for our kids? well, they don't make good role models for our adults. (laughter) and my guest, former speaker newt gingrich has a new novel about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you
welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (app
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here it is, your moment of zen. >> i'm tired of bronco bama and mitt romney! >> that's why you're crying? oh, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this r
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 79 (some duplicates have been removed)